Comfort vs Comforter.

The following is a preface about why I've been MIA, so skip it if it's a waste of time to you.

It's been a while since I made any entries in here. I have been too busy.

Too busy trying to fit in. Too busy trying to juggle. Too busy trying to make everything fit into a limited timeline. I had to cut corners, but in the stress of everything, I cut the parts of my life that represented the 'full and abundant' life that my Savior wanted me to take part in - His life. I guess I missed out. Honestly, for 'recreation', I just took the equivalent of 'painkillers' in the form of video gaming and YouTube surfing. Brain-numbing, that is all.

But I haven't died, and thus the war for my affection continues. I would like to make a resolution to return to this station. And so this marks a soft reset of my writing days, older and hopefully wiser. 

For what it's worth to others, I have received a dose of bad news this week. I didn't make the cut on something considered routine and ordinary for teachers in my position and bracket. The only thing that surfaced as the news was broken to me was really this: "Did I miss out on God's plan to bring me forward to where He has called me?"

I mean, I embarked on this teaching career because of a clarion call from the Lord. No, I have not lost faith in His call, but I am questioning if my present predicament has been due to my lackadaisical approach to the whole matter. Yet, in reflection, am I really willing to abandon the other things I hold dear? One expendable thing remains though: my expectations of comfort.

I think I have become soft. Soft on myself, soft in dying to myself and my selfish desires. The life that the Lord called me to is one of action and waiting on Him, but I have looked for comfort instead. Subtly, with the influx of income, I started to settle for more material comforts. Nothing wrong with this...till I realized that I stopped looking for the Comforter. It was no longer about Him directing me and leading me, but myself finding the easiest way. I stopped working as hard, and I do suppose that this is how I ended up with this dose of bad news.

I feel like I have messed up His plans, but I take solace now in what Scripture states about His faithfulness - "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Yes, I believe I have messed up, because I settled for comfort rather than the Comforter. I should have remained focused and give up on expectations of comfort, other than what the Lord blesses me with. At least though, I know His grace has been poured out in the manner with which the news was broken to me. For this, I choose to be thankful instead of being upset that I "didn't get what should have been mine."